We knew September was going to be hard, but I wasn’t expecting this. I have three friends who were due right around the same time as my sixth baby, and I was happy for them and needed to see healthy babies born into this world.
Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee: and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. Jeremiah 1:5
Reading about their new family members on Facebook was joyous, and I loved hearing the details of their birth stories. Other friends have welcomed babies into their families the past couple of weeks, sharing pictures, happy announcements, and one shared that her first grand baby is arriving today!
At first I wondered if all of the recent births were affecting me as I suddenly found myself weepy this morning. I cried at the grocery store, the post office, and periodically throughout the day. Afraid that my progesterone was getting low again, I got nervous and nearly called in for a refill.
For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard. Psalm 22:24
And then it hit me.
I’ve completely lost track of dates lately, but it’s as though my body remembered and knew, because as I opened my calendar this afternoon, I saw that today is the due date for my sixth baby.
While I love seeing all of the pictures of the newest babies arriving now, I miss my own September baby that I wish I could hold. (If you’re a friend reading this, please don’t stop posting pictures.)
I have friends who wouldn’t agree with my feeling sad and would even say that I was dishonoring God in doing so, but YES! I miss my baby.
Even after only knowing for a few weeks, I wonder what she would’ve been like, about her personality, etc. (while my husband and I differ, I’ve always automatically referred to the baby as a “she.”)
At first I felt a little guilty because I’m so thankful for our seventh baby who is doing well within my womb. And obviously our newest addition doesn’t replace her; that little one was her own being with whom we look forward to spending eternity, but I just wasn’t expecting to have another wave of emotions like this.
And somehow through the tears, I’m reminded again of how miraculously we’re made.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalm 139:14
Whether she would’ve been born earlier in the month, this week, or today, it really is as though my body, or possibly my subconscious mind, remembered the due date I circled in the old calendar pages. And there were little things after the loss that reminded me that my body is far wiser than I imagined,and there’s nothing accidental about our design.
He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the Lord hath spoken it. Isaiah 25:8
But most importantly, I’m reminded that life is precious and not to be taken for granted. I’m truly thankful for all of the children our family has been blessed with. I’m thankful for our change of heart to welcome the souls He would entrust to us–souls who wouldn’t be with us if we stuck with our original plans, leaning unto our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). And I’m most thankful for the promise of eternal life for Believers, knowing that our family will be reunited one day.
Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this? (John 11:25-26)
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)
I appreciate the messages and e-mails. As I posted on my page, I’m planning to take off for a few days. Fortunately, writing is therapeutic and helps me process emotions, so I’m happy to have a space here and very blessed to have readers who have sent kind words and thoughts.
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Sara Elizabeth, what a touching post (saw it on your FB page). What blessed children you have to have such a loving momma. Praying for you dear Sister!
Blessings,
Nicole @ WKH
Thanks, Nicole, you’re very kind. Blessings to you, too.
October 29th, 2007 was our baby’s due date. “He” would be 6 this year. Every year around the end of October (due date) and the beginning of May (miscarriage) I always get really emotional and think about Josiah. I don’t even realize why I am so emotional until I look at the calendar and then it hits me! ((HUGS)) to you!
Oh, it means to me to read this. I told Andrew last weekend that I would’ve expected the baby to be born this week, but I thought the date was closer to the weekend. It just really amazed me that even without looking at the calendar, I had those emotions. Feeling better today–still a little weepy but not like I was yesterday. Hugs to you, too, and thanks for sharing your experience.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I have three babies lost early to miscarriage. We lost one at 12 weeks and two at 6 weeks. I never noticed that overwhelming physical sense of my body mourning for those three babies. I don’t know if it’s because I paid fairly close attention to their due dates or what but I did mourn them, especially my first.
Then, 7 years ago my baby son, Peter, was stillborn at 41 weeks, 2 days. He died minutes before birth on the way to the hospital. We were desperately trying to get help but because we had hired a midwife instead of a doctor to attend Peter’s birth, we were denied the help we needed in sneaky, underhanded ways and then these same people, these medical “professionals” turned around and lied about us and the events leading up to our son’s death. And they got away with it. We were blamed and an investigation was started against us (we didn’t realize this until later) to pin the blame but because of a horrible law in the state we lived at the time which said that our son was not human because he never took a breath on his own, there was nothing to convict us of. The investigation was closed but in the small community, our story was used to put fear in people and to spread gossip.
It was absolutely devastating to say the least. At first, I tried to hang on to my faith, my composure. I was told by my pastor at the time that I should be happy because my son was in heaven. I tried for a long time. I really did, but my body betrayed me a week after Peter’s death. Even after I kept trying. I didn’t even realize till my midwife pointed it out but at about the same time of day that my son died, exactly one week later, after the funeral, after everyone had gone home and my family was alone, I was walking out of an IHOP were we had stopped to eat and I was hit by a chilly breeze from a summer storm as I opened the door and the sky began to sprinkle. I began to shake and hyperventilate. It was Summer but my husband had to help me into the van, turn on the heater and rub my arms to try to get me warm. I stayed in bed the rest of the day.
Every year as Summer and my son’s birthday approaches, My body gets this sad, heavy feeling, even if I’ve done everything to try to get around it. It took just over two years before it wasn’t so hard to get out of bed every morning. I think that’s also when I began to stop crying in the shower every day but the sadness still lingers. I find short periods of hope and the feeling of being almost normal again but my husband and I have hit a bad patch so life has gotten pretty hard again.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet little one and I pray for comfort, relief and strength for you.
I’m so sorry for what you went through. I can’t imagine the pain you felt or the ordeal you had to overcome while trying to mourn the loss of your dear baby.
I’ve also heard that I should be happy because the baby is in heaven, and while I do find comfort in that, I think it’s still normal to feel sad and to mourn that loss.
I’m thankful that on his death bed, my grandfather was able to tell us, “I know where I’m going, I don’t know why y’all are sad. I’m going to be with my Savior!” but I still miss him and wish he were here with us.
Thanks for sharing your story. I know it will be a blessing to other women who visit and are dealing with similar emotions.
Oh Sara, you are in no way betraying God, by being sorry for the loss of your precious baby! (((HUGS)))
Thanks, Katie! I’m feeling better after a few days off and a new week. 🙂
When I read this post, all I see is a woman who is grieving as God would want her to, and you’re giving God the glory even in your suffering. Thanks for being real, Sara.
Thanks for visiting, Gabby and for sharing your kind words. Giving God the glory was my hope, and I’m so happy that came through. When things are tough, it always seems to help to refocus on Him, knowing that He sees the bigger picture.
Sara, I’m so sorry for your loss. What a blessing God has given you in your beautiful family. Trust in God’s plan. I ache for the children I was never allowed to conceive, even to this day it hurts. But I was given a daughter in marriage who turns 29 today. We never know His full plan. Blessings to you and your family.
Kim, you’re an inspiration. I’m so sorry for the ache that you feel, and very touched to read how you’ve embraced the daughter given to you through marriage. I bet you’re very special to her as well.
Great post, thanks for sharing your story
Thanks for visiting, Faith. 🙂 Blessings. 🙂
I love the line “And obviously our newest addition doesn’t replace her;”
I’ve been told that my two daughters born here on earth are what I should look to, that they somehow replace the babies I’ve lost. Yes, babies plural, and far more than just 2. No one could replace those babies. They are their own creation of God, fearfully and wonderfully made. I look forward to seeing them in Heaven. Thank you for sharing! You blessed me today.