You should just be thankful for the children you have.
Your feeling sad is only dishonoring God.
Your baby is in heaven now. You should be happy.
It’s not your fault.
……but you don’t know what I did.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34: 18-19)
While I knew friends who miscarried, I didn’t understand the guilt many of them dealt with. I also wasn’t aware of the judgment, whether real or perceived, that they felt from others.
Whenever a friend told me that she felt she was at fault for losing her baby, I told her it wasn’t and even wondered how she could wonder such a thing…until I felt that same overwhelming and all-consuming guilt myself.
And while I’ve had a few “chemical pregnancies” in which I got faint positives at home, only to start a period a few days later, it didn’t hit as hard as when I had a loss after a confirmed pregnancy.
I simply wasn’t prepared for the physical, emotional, and mental toll it would have on me, not only then but on future pregnancies, nor was I prepared for the isolation I would feel and the shame of what I thought I did to cause the miscarriage.
Each woman is different and handles loss in her own way, but for the woman struggling with feelings of guilt or judgment, I open up and get real about how pregnancy loss impacted me, my family, and many other women who are afraid to speak up.
Please visit Modern Alternative Pregnancy, where I share my story and the story of other women.
Free Guide For the Natural Living Mom
Want to know how to use essential oils and herbs in your home? In this guide, I share my top 10 favorites.
Plus get our latest content and news, including giveaways and freebies for the natural living and homeschooling mom.
I did feel guilt after my first loss. It didn’t help with all the comments from different people. I learned with my second loss, that people just don’t understand and they don’t know what to say. We (Mothers of babies in Heaven) don’t know what you’re supposed to say. We also feel guilt because we want to shout from the rooftops and lash back at the common comments. “yes, I still have another/other children, so I’m supposed to love this one less?!?” “I understand my baby is in Heaven, and you’re telling me God wanted my baby more?!? Yes, He’s the God of the universe, and yes, I know it’s in His plan, but that doesn’t make me feel better.” I have more, but I don’t want people to think that I am depressing or depressed myself. I have since had 2 more losses. I do have 2 living children also. I’ve learned to ignore most comments, but depending on the situation and the person, I have also sometimes chosen to educate them about pregnancy and infant loss. It hurts to be on this side of it. A lot of times people don’t want to talk about it because it makes them uncomfortable or sad. That’s how we feel, and some of us need to talk about it to get it out. They’re our babies. We had hopes and dreams from the first moment we even had an idea we were pregnant. I NEED to talk about my babies. I think if more people were aware of our guilt and the shame we feel, and could help us through it, we would no longer feel that way. My doctor has confirmed over and over that it is nothing I did, I don’t even have any physical issues causing my losses. Each loss was was for a different reason and my doctor and I are at a loss. I can’t afford a fertility specialist, so I just have to rely on God. It has been a long, hard road. The comments that always hurt the most…”I can’t believe you’re still grieving. You need to get over it already. You must need to white trying. Why aren’t you using birth control? Haven’t you learned by now that it isn’t going to happen?” I know people mean well, but.it doesn’t help. I also learned who my true friends are through all of this. I actually lost a lot of friends because of losing my babies. I hope people begin to understand more about loss, I’m so tired of it being swept under the rug and kept secret. It hurts my heart more. Our babies need to be validated. In fact, October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss day. If anyone wants more info about it, let me know. Now, in honor of my babies in Heaven…Christian Lee, Gracen Dalyn, Shannon Rory, and Jordan Blane; Mommy loves you, and I’ll see you again one day. <3
Yes, I was the same concerning talking about it. My husband didn’t want to and if I ever brought up the baby, he would tell me not to mention it. He wasn’t trying to be cruel, he genuinely thought that in not talking about it, it would help me move on. Finally over the past summer, I sat down with my step-mom and the whole story of every feeling I had came tumbling out. That helped more than anything–I really needed someone to just listen and let me talk without worrying about their judging me (of course now I realize that nothing was my fault and that I was a normal mama who missed her baby).
Thanks for sharing your story–you said it well!!!
You’re welcome. I know a lot of people are scared to share their story. If anyone needs someone to talk to, I don’t mind. I wish I would have had someone during my first loss.
I just experienced my fifth miscarriage and wrote about what it took me five miscarriages to learn. Thank you for sharing your story. We need more people discussing miscarriage so that it is not a taboo topic in our society. https://beauteousdays.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-it-took-me-five-miscarriages-to.html
Vicki, I’m so sorry to hear of your losses. I can’t imagine the path you’ve walked and happy to hear that it sounds like your experience will help other women looking for something to hold on to. Thanks for visiting and for sharing your own story.
Hugs to you my friend!!
Thanks, Tanya. 🙂 Blessings to you and your family. 🙂
Thank you for bringing this up. I have lost 5 babies in 4 pregnancies: 3 babies and twin girls 2 years ago. I had some guilt with the first 3. Even though I knew I didn’t do anything, I felt it was my fault some how. Turns out my husband had the same feelings of guilt! However, since I was pregnant 4 times in 2 years, the last pregnancy resulted in my son who is living, we didn’t have much time to dwell on the guilt. The last pregnancy 2 years ago and it still hurts. The grief never goes away for me nor my husband. It diminishes over time with the distractions of life but, in the still of the night, the ache of empty arms and missed hugs can come to pull on my heart. I am so thankful for my son. He is a gift from God and I try to think of him and the blessing he his when the grief comes. But I do find it challenging to respond to those who ask, “Is he your only one?” as though it’s bad to have only 1 child. That question stabs me in the heart every time. Depending on the situation, I may mention we have others in heaven but that can end up in conversational places I may not be able/want to handle at the moment. As Becky mentioned, our babies do need validating.
Yes, I definitely understand!! I’m sorry for your losses. Thanks for sharing your story here for other women to read and be encouraged.
You ask yourself lots of ‘if only’ questions. The only healing comes in actively choosing not to be bitter; to hold on tight to Jesus instead of pushing Him away. Rejoice with those who do rejoice, including the three friends who were due at the same time as you, and who carried their babies to term. Hug on those babies, and don’t be afraid to shed a few tears on their soft, silky heads. Let others hug on you, and let their tears fall on your shoulder. Don’t ever pull yourself into your own little cocoon to suffer in silence. Even if you have to do this twice in two years, and you think you’ll never have another chance because you’re 47 and, well, it might be you’ll never have another chance. Be thankful for what you have had, be it other children (and now a grandbaby), other opportunities to help with other people’s children, or whatever. Let God use your pain to help others.
Then there was the other miscarriage, the one where I lost a baby I thought I didn’t want, and then found out too late that I wanted that child desperately. That was the hardest. But healing came through being honest about my feelings, seeking the Lord’s forgiveness, learning the lessons He wanted me to learn, and accepting comfort from others.
There is no easy answer. I find that a heartfelt “I’m so sorry” or “That really stinks” is so much better than all the trite answers. People don’t really understand unless they’ve gone through it. I had a miscarriage this summer and it was totally horrible. We were surprised to find out we were expecting our fifth child. I went in for our dating ultrasound that I was pretty sure was 12 or 13 weeks along. I saw the baby but found out that he or she had died. It then took about two weeks for my body to kick in and then the ordeal of miscarrying the baby we were excited for. And it was PAINFUL! It was like labor just before it was time to push. It was so much pain. And at that point we hadn’t told our children what was going on, they only knew Mom and Dad were very sad and Mom was in lots of pain. Then we told our children. Through it, I’ve found out that many of my friends have gone through this. I think that’s what helped me to heal, talking with those who have gone through this. It’s such a silent sadness. Those who have gone through it don’t broadcast. And most of those who haven’t just don’t understand.
We named our baby Ryan since we didn’t know if we would have a boy or girl. There are still so many things that make me feel sad. I think I’m fine and then someone will say something that makes me so sad or start to cry. I find I’m still avoiding a couple of my friends that are currently pregnant. Not because I hold a grudge but because I don’t want to take away from their happiness. I remember finding out I was pregnant and hearing these scary miscarriage or other horrible things people tell you when you are pregnant. I’m not hiding from them because I’m upset they are pregnant when I’ve lost our baby, but because I don’t know what to say and I don’t want them to feel sorry for us. In time I’ll tell them, but not until later.
Time helps and heals but it never takes away that longing to hold that child. I look forward to meeting Ryan when we are all in Heaven. Until then I just focus on what is in front of us and try to be supportive for others when I find out they are also suffering, silently at times.
We also shared our story of miscarriage today. Would love for you to read and follow. Thanks for opening up about yours…headed over to alternative…to read now. Also, LOVE your blog layout! Beth from wisemommies, linking up and following you via social media thanks to a better mom blog…. https://wisemommies.com/index.php/family/pregnancy-maternity/525-lets-talk-about-miscarriage.html
upesalovetemple@gmail.com i just want to share with you all about my testimony i recently had a love spell cast on me by this man called Dr upesa which help me to return my lover back to me so i really want to thank this man and his gods for what he has done for me i will advice anyone in need of help to contact him upesalovetemple@gmail.com