The phone fell from my hands. My hands were shaking and the sobs that erupted from my body came from a deep place within me. Our birth mom had decided to parent- and I was without the child my home was prepared for. I wasn’t going to hold my baby girl.
I struggle with infertility. Even after all these years, and more blog post that I can count, those words still hurt to write. I don’t understand why God has made my womb closed, but I know he has created my heart to be open. When I was 26, I found out it would be extremely hard to get pregnant. At 28 I met my husband – and we were married one year later. After prayer and counsel, we decided adoption was the door we would walk through.
After 5 months of waiting, we were matched with a birth mom who was due with a baby girl just 6 weeks later. For 6 weeks I had prepared my home. We bought a car seat, clothes and prepared a nursery. For 6 weeks I watched the pregnancy app and “watched” my baby grow from a distance.
Now, I would never hold her. I prepared my home for a baby I would never bring home.
I have never carried a baby in my womb, but I carried that little girl in my heart. I still do. She is a part of me – forever.
November is national adoption month, and here we sit, 8 months away from that day where we lost our little girl. The pain is no less. I cry as I type these words.
I can’t tell you how many people told me “At least you never held her.” The words echo in my heart.
Oh, I would have given anything to hold her just once.
I can’t tell you how many people told me. “At least you were not pregnant with her.”
Those words hurt to my core. I can’t be pregnant with her- I would have given anything to feel her sweet kick or hear her heart beat. I never got to do either.
There is no picture – not even an ultra sound that I hold on to.
There is nothing. Nothing but loss.
People see adoption as a second shot at parenthood. Those of us who adopt know that it is not second choice- it is our choice. We are choosing to parent these children. We are choosing risk. But out of that risk is great love.
Love is what makes a family. SO much more then DNA.
Love is what causes loss.
So, as National Adoption month starts this week – please be thoughtful of those who are adoptiong. If they go through loss, walk through it with them. Don’t compartmentalize it, or try to lessen the loss. It is real loss. It hurts. From failed adoption to times when you are not matched and feel like you should have been – the losses are real.
We are taking risk, we are opening our hearts- we are letting them in.
So yes, we might get hurt. So walk with us.
For more on our adoption journey- you can find our story on Worshipful Living under Adoption.
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Sarah says
Mandy, thank you for this. I would not have understood this post six months ago, but I do now. We are fostering to adopt and the love you feel for the child is the same as if you had them yourself. God bless you!
Sara Elizabeth says
Thanks for sharing your story, Sarah. 🙂 Have a blessed week. 🙂
Andrea says
i loved the article. the pain of adoption loss is comparable to that of a miscarriage. our society often doesn’t know what to say in those situations causing the pain to be greater! my heart aches for you and your loss. and, while some believe you will ‘move on’ when your child does come, I can say from experience, there will always be times when you think of that little, and miss her.
all of that being said, I have to ask, did you mean to say, ‘those of us who adopt know it is second choice’ ? that line cut deep. my two daughters were not second choice. adoption was not something we settled on after our hopes or dreams were dashed. adoption made me a mother, twice over. i fear that my girls will believe they are second choice, second rate, or less than as a result of what society teaches. it’s important to me to counter this idea, wherever it comes from. I would encourage you to really think of this idea. For us adoption was second choice. it was simply a different path to becoming a parent.
In Him,
Andrea
Mandy K says
Andrea- thank you so much for pointing out that typo. That is NOT what I meant to say. Adoption is NOT second choice! Thank you so much for pointing that out to me! <3 Blessings to you!
Andrea says
It should say adoption wasn’t second choice. I didn’t proofread well.
Jessica says
Over the years, we have adopted 3 beautiful children: 1 girl and 2 boys! But we have also lost 5 children due to failed adoptions – 1 boy and 2 sets of twin girls. The highs and lows of adoption are how adoptive moms labor…it’s a labor of love. I always think about those 5. It’s so hard, but I try to tell myself that God put us in that mother and baby’s lives for a reason. Even if it’s just that we pray for them for the rest of our lives.
I absolutely love how you said adoption is not a second choice. Never! Adoption was always God’s Plan A for us. Infertility just happened to lead us to see what God’s perfect Plan was for our family!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! Not all infant loss is physical. Adoption has many spiritual infant losses (especially with infertility because you grieve bio children that will never be). It needs to be heard!
Jess