The phone fell from my hands. My hands were shaking and the sobs that erupted from my body came from a deep place within me. Our birth mom had decided to parent- and I was without the child my home was prepared for. I wasn’t going to hold my baby girl.
I struggle with infertility. Even after all these years, and more blog post that I can count, those words still hurt to write. I don’t understand why God has made my womb closed, but I know he has created my heart to be open. When I was 26, I found out it would be extremely hard to get pregnant. At 28 I met my husband – and we were married one year later. After prayer and counsel, we decided adoption was the door we would walk through.
After 5 months of waiting, we were matched with a birth mom who was due with a baby girl just 6 weeks later. For 6 weeks I had prepared my home. We bought a car seat, clothes and prepared a nursery. For 6 weeks I watched the pregnancy app and “watched” my baby grow from a distance.
Now, I would never hold her. I prepared my home for a baby I would never bring home.
I have never carried a baby in my womb, but I carried that little girl in my heart. I still do. She is a part of me – forever.
November is national adoption month, and here we sit, 8 months away from that day where we lost our little girl. The pain is no less. I cry as I type these words.
I can’t tell you how many people told me “At least you never held her.” The words echo in my heart.
Oh, I would have given anything to hold her just once.
I can’t tell you how many people told me. “At least you were not pregnant with her.”
Those words hurt to my core. I can’t be pregnant with her- I would have given anything to feel her sweet kick or hear her heart beat. I never got to do either.
There is no picture – not even an ultra sound that I hold on to.
There is nothing. Nothing but loss.
People see adoption as a second shot at parenthood. Those of us who adopt know that it is not second choice- it is our choice. We are choosing to parent these children. We are choosing risk. But out of that risk is great love.
Love is what makes a family. SO much more then DNA.
Love is what causes loss.
So, as National Adoption month starts this week – please be thoughtful of those who are adoptiong. If they go through loss, walk through it with them. Don’t compartmentalize it, or try to lessen the loss. It is real loss. It hurts. From failed adoption to times when you are not matched and feel like you should have been – the losses are real.
We are taking risk, we are opening our hearts- we are letting them in.
So yes, we might get hurt. So walk with us.
For more on our adoption journey- you can find our story on Worshipful Living under Adoption.
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