Someone asked my thoughts on the beautiful essay by Emily Perl Kingsley called Welcome to Holland, which is frequently circulated among special needs families.
I can appreciate Ms. Kingsley’s essay. For the first several months after realizing something was different with my first born son’s overall development, it was a difficult fact to face. I wondered why this happened to us and would look around at all the families with their “typical” children and wonder how they got so lucky.
So while I relate to much of what she wrote, there’s one line of which I 100% disagree.
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
While I admired parents with special needs children and even wondered if God would entrust us with one of these souls, I felt sick when the reality hit.
Only one week after giving birth to our third child, I felt things were spiraling out of control. To regain a sense of control, I went into research mode and started reading and watching anything I could find on language disorders, Autism, developmental delays, and hearing loss.
Yes it was a very difficult time for our family.
But to say that pain “never, ever, ever, ever” went away is simply not something I can relate to.
Because of our son, I met families I wouldn’t have met otherwise. I realized the potential in children whom the world has decided are not “normal” (aka typical). I discovered that there’s an instant camaraderie among special needs families–it really is amazing to find such an instant support system.
My son has grown more and more each year, but most importantly, I’ve learned that God has a plan for him and is working in a way that’s different compared to how He’s working in my other children. Over the years, I’ve had folks look at us with pity in their eyes, but please don’t feel sorry for us. I don’t look at my children and think, “Oh, it’s so sad and painful that he isn’t like his siblings.” I believe all of my children have a purpose and that they were each given talents, abilities, and interests to help them realize that purpose.
As I often say, “Parenting a child with special needs isn’t a tragedy; it’s an honor.”
In the early years, I wondered how I could handle the responsibility of mothering this little boy. I still wonder today. But I remind myself that out of all the women in the world, God saw fit to place our son in our family and to make me his mama. So I’m trusting that God equipped me with what I need to bring up this little boy so that he can fulfill his purpose.
So as for the grand plans we may have made for our family before we knew better? Isn’t it great that God knows what’s best for us? We would never have seen more of the beauty of His creation if we weren’t given the opportunity to view it from the eyes of our son.
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What a beautiful perspective you have, Sara Elizabeth. I was blessed by reading this.
i too am a mama to a special child, and am blessed every day by his grace and determination, and by His confidence in me, and my ability to love, and help to grow this special child.
beautifully written, and so very true, it is a honor to meet you:-)
What a beautiful post! I love what you said here:
“Parenting a child with special needs isn’t a tragedy; it’s an honor.”
I am a caregiver for a special needs child every day after school. She recently turned 18.
She is my best friend’s daughter and I have known her ever since she was three.
Her mom once told me that she gave up her dreams for her long ago and made NEW ones.
She used to dream about when she would grow up and start school, have fun mommy daughter dates and lots of “I love you mommys,” maybe dance in a dance recital or play the piano or a sport, make friends, have a slumber party, go off to college, get married and had a family.
Her new dreams were that her daughter might be able to go to the bathroom and wash her hands by herself, get dressed by herself, feed herself, write her name, walk up and down the stairs by herself.
She feels like you do. She knows that God gave her her daughter for a reason, and trusts that she is equipped to care for her when things seem overwhelming.
For the record, her daughter is now able to do all the things I wrote down when I mentioned her mom’s NEW dreams for her.
She will never be able to live by herself or even cross the street by herself, she won’t be able to have a conversation with you, but she is a child whom is loved by God and she has a purpose!
She is, in her own way, a picture of our relationship with the Lord, in that she doesn’t GIVE back, she doesn’t like to be touched and really would prefer not to be spoken to and would much rather be left alone in her alone world. She doesn’t interact with people unless forced and even then it’s limited.
So any love she gets or things done for her is not reciprocated or seemingly appreciated. Yet look at what Jesus did, He died for us while we were still sinners. He laid His life on the line because He loved us. His love is not based on what we give back, He just loves us.
So when you love these kids and give and give and give and not expecting to get anything back, you are learning the true meaning of love.
Thanks so much for linking up to the “Making Your Home Sing Monday” linky party today!
I am at different place in my life than most of you mothers of handicapped children are. My daughter will be 23 this month. I was told when she was small that she would never live a lone, but she does, down the street from us. What I would like to bring up today is not pleasant, but it is something I wish that someone would have said to me. My daughter became pregnant at 17. She now has a 4 and a half year old that she loves, but is not able to care for independently. He worries about her, and sometimes speaks to hear like she is the younger one (in a caring way). We are now 50, raising a child we did not expect. My daughter purposely got pregnant because she didn’t want to go to school any longer. We do not know who his father is, as she had spent time with about three different boys the previous month. I wish I had thought ahead and done something to prevent this. I was told when she was pregnant, that she would have three babies in three years. I said, “over my dead body”. So far so good. Maybe some of you mothers that have daughters will tuck that away till you need to think of it again. We love our Grandson and he is a very good boy, and smart. Just wish I had done things different.
May God bless your family–especially you, the mom. I’m visiting from Encourage One Another.
Sarah Elizabeth, this was beautiful!! Thanks for sharing it over at WholeHearted Home.
Beautiful!!! I love it. I’m featuring you this week for Matrimonial Monday. While I know it’s not simply a post about marriage, parenting is an extension of marriage!!!
Kelly @ Exceptionalistic
https://exceptionalistic.com
Awww, thanks so much!! You just made my day. 🙂