As parents, we love ALL of our kids. However, some of them may be easier to love than others. If you are dealing with a difficult child, you know what I mean!
Out of our eight kids, two were what I considered difficult. They were the ones that were stubborn, frustrating, disagreeable, and annoying. At times they made me feel like I was going to lose my mind. I loved them through it all, but there were many times when I didn’t FEEL very loving, and times when I didn’t really LIKE them! They left me emotionally exhausted, and totally drained.
Do you have a child like that? Do you find it hard to love them at times when they are pushing you to your limits? Perhaps like me, you have times where you just want to give up!
What are some things to help you not only love this difficult child, but also start to actually enjoy them?
1. Be careful to watch your attitude.
It is easy to develop an attitude of resentment towards that difficult child, because they take so much of you, and demand so much time and energy. If you don’t guard your thoughts, you can easily dwell on the negatives, letting the wrong thoughts into your mind, which in turn affects your heart.
Remember that God knows and sees your struggles, and He is the one who gave you that child. When feeling resentful, stop and thank God for entrusting this child to your care. Ask God to let His love flow through you to that child.
2. Realize that you can’t do it in your own strength.
God wants us to depend on Him, and invites us to come to Him for wisdom. Nothing will make you more aware of that need, than the daily struggles with a difficult child. However, it is a GOOD thing when you come to the end of yourself and your strength in your parenting, because it is then that you truly come to rely upon God for guidance.
3. Intentionally make extra time for your difficult child.
If necessary, take a break from some outside activities so that you have more time to spend with this child. Not being so busy will take away some of your stress, which will then enable you to respond better in those challenging situations that come up.
Another benefit is that you will then feel free to spend time as needed with the child, without viewing it as an interruption and resenting it. Difficult children need LOTS OF TIME with us. We need to be there beside them, showing them we love them, and are available for them.
I know one of my biggest struggles was spending time with the difficult child when I was frustrated, and just wanted to GET AWAY from them. I found that often those were the times when they just needed me to pull them close, spend time with them, and let them know I love them.
Winning the hearts of our children requires TIME, and this is especially true with our difficult kids. We need to be there for them, and be patient with them and their needs. Give them extra times of cuddles, tickles, and smiles.
One of the things about a difficult child is that they have character flaws that are very visible and annoying. For this reason, plan to spend lots of time on character training with your difficult child.
4. Give them lots of encouragement and praise.
It’s important to be intentional about looking for the good in your difficult child. The negative is easy to see, so we have to watch for opportunities to praise them when they are showing effort, or making progress.
To help me remember to watch for good character, I used character charts with our kids. Not only did this keep me looking for good behavior, it also encouraged the kids to work harder at showing character.
Perhaps you are thinking (as I often did) that your difficult child never shows good character, so how can you praise or encourage them?
First, ask God to show you when they are trying, or are showing good character.
Next, remember to encourage the for little tiny baby steps. It’s easy to look for BIG things to praise them for, but if they make a slight improvement and you make a big deal out of it, it makes them want to try harder to please you, and do what is right.
5. Pray WITH them and pray FOR them.
The quickest way to calm your spirit when the difficult child has you upset, is to calmly suggest that you take time to pray together about the situation. It’s hard to stay angry when you are praying for someone! It also reminds your child that God wants to help, and that it’s important for him to go to God in prayer when he is struggling.
Be sure and pray FOR them regularly as well. Praying for your kids is one of the best gifts you can give them! Let that difficult child know that you pray regularly for him.
I KNOW how discouraging and frustrating it can be to deal with a difficult child day after day. Being a mom is hard work, and there will be many days when you wonder if parenting is worth it. At those times, remember that what you are doing is of eternal value. Keep on being faithful and diligent in your training, while trusting God for the results.
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Kathie
Kathie Morrissey is the mother of 8 children, wife to Alan for 37 years, and a committed homeschooling mom of 31 years. She is the founder of The Character Corner, where she loves to blog about parenting, family life, homeschooling, and life in general. Kathie is a popular speaker at home school conventions and support groups, as well as ladies retreats. Her heart’s desire is to help and encourage parents to be purposeful in raising Godly children with strong Christian character, who walk in purity, and have a heart for God.
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As a mom with 6 kids, 2 of whom are “difficult”, I agree wholeheartedly with all you are saying! Thank you for the encouragement! Have you found that your “difficult” children are also your most sensitive? I wish I had known that about mine when they were younger.
Hi Tonya! Yes, the “difficult” kids are very sensitive! They put up a tough exterior, but it’s only to protect themselves. They are very sensitive, and it’s easy to not realize it because they try to act like nothing bothers them. Took me awhile to figure that one out!
Thank you for your words of wisdom and the encouragement. I am a homeschooling mom of 7. One child is “difficult” and sometimes we put so much energy on that one that the others feel shortchanged. Another has developed some health issues so there are many new needs there. Many times I feel like the guy on a stage with plates spinning on top of poles. As he runs to one plate that begins to wobble another begins to wobble at the other end of the line-up. Seldom do they all spin together and he can catch his breath. Reading your post today was a blessing.
Brenda, I know what you mean about the energy that goes into the difficult one. The time that seems to be taken away from the other children may actually be an investment into their lives! They are watching as you stay consistent in teaching, training, and loving that difficult child. Sorry about the one with the health issues. That definitely adds a whole new dimension to things, creating even more challenges. I’m sure it’s VERY tough! If possible, I’d suggest letting things go that aren’t at the top of your priority list, so you don’t end up burned out trying to spin all those plates. When there’s still many plates to spin, keep asking God for strength and wisdom.
These are great tips! I find that it does make such a difference when I have a good attitude!
Thanks Jill. Our attitude as moms does make a big difference with the difficult child, yet keeping that good attitude is a constant challenge. Difficult kids keep us depending on God, don’t they?!
There’s a lot of wisdom in here, Kathie! Of our five, none have consistently been difficult, but have gone through difficult stages. However, I’m only 11 years into motherhood, so there’s a lot for me to experience yet! I want to keep your words close to heart.
Thanks Kristen. I’m glad you haven’t consistently difficult! 🙂 I’d say you have probably experienced quite a bit in 11 years. It just gets better and better as the kids grow, develop character, and you have a close relationship with them. With my youngest being 18 now, I can say the rewards far outweigh the struggles.
I’m sitting here in tears so thankful for your words. I feel there is hope. Even though I know God gives us hope I have felt the last few/several years that this is just not going to get any better because I know Ihave to be the one to be calm and have a good attitude and get up earlier and have time I prayer with the Lord. Each morni.g I wake and hope today is going to be better but as soon as one thing happens thats the end of it. I have an 11 yr old son that is a kind hearted boy but gets into more trouble than I care to think about and when it comes to school he is going to put up a fight – what could take 2 1/2 hrs takes 5 or more if I tough it out but most of the time I am so exausted at hour 3, that,I call it a day. Thankfully my 8 yr old daughter is an independant learner and requires some but not much help. I will stop here before the desperation gets louder. I hope that I will soon see a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again for pointing thi.gs out clearly and kindly.
Jessica, I have been there and my heart aches for you! I am praying right now you that God will give you the strength and wisdom that you need. Choose your battles wisely, and focus on the basics. No sense in adding more stress to the situation. Keep seeking God and pouring out your heart and needs to Him. He knows, He cares, and He wants you to depend on Him. (Sending hugs) ~Kathie
Wow, I think you wrote this just to me! I’m really glad I saw this, it is so applicable to my situation.
Lisa – I think that most moms with a difficult child can relate to this! Glad you came across it. 🙂
Thank you so much! I will have to print this and post it on my wall to be proactive. I am a HS mom of 7, two of which are “difficult”. Lately I have reached the end of myself, and needed your words and some prayers.
Kathy, just prayed for you! Glad you found some encouragement when you need it. I can relate to reaching the end of myself – been there many times! The good news is that keeps us depending on the Lord. Hang in there!
Kathie, I was the difficult child. Today, as a homeschooing mom of 5… one difficult kiddo in the bunch… I am very grateful for my parents’ gracious attitudes toward me during my growing up years. They could have easily closed my spirit!
Thank you so much for this encouraging post. It’s tough raising a difficult child, much less homeschooling her/him!
Kristy, I’m glad that your parents were gracious toward you, and didn’t wound your spirit. What a great thing to have their example to go back to as you deal with your own difficult child!
Oh my, I needed to read this today. I have seven children, due with another this winter. One dear child of mine has me pulling my hair out most days. I know I handle it poorly. I know she gets under my skin. She loves time together, yet it’s the last thing I want to do. She’s ten, so dear, and I feel I’m failing at this. Persevering.
Adrienne, I’m glad your found this right at a time when you needed it! I know the feeling of “pulling your hair out”! I also know “handling it poorly”. It’s easy to let them get under our skin, and they are so good at it! 🙂 Keep persevering – better days are ahead! Also, focus on keeping her heart. Pull her close when you really would prefer to push her away. That’s often when she needs it most. ~Kathie
Thank you.
Adrienne, you’re welcome! 🙂
Thank you! I needed this today. My oldest (6 yrs old) is my difficult child. He is either whining, complaining or arguing about 90% of the time. I am miserable being around him these days! Can you please share what your “character building chart” looks like? That might help him and I be able to make it through. I am just at a loss. I don’t know what to do with him.
Hi Naomi! It’s no fun to be miserable around your own child, is it? (Yes, I’ve been there!) I have 3 character charts–One is 48 Godly character traits with definition and Bible verse, the other two are Excellence in Character, and Growth in Character. For one child you would like the Growth chart. It lists traits down the side, and when you see them showing character in that area, you let them fill in a square for that to show they are growing. (If you go to my website and sign up for my newsletter, you will get the 3 charts for free) Keep loving him, and encouraging him. The charts are good for reminding you to look for the good behavior in him, and say something to him to show you recognize that. They helped me look more for the good, rather than focusing on the bad behavior.